Coaching People to Lose and Find Themselves – Identity

Effective coaching goes beyond reframing situations. To create sustainable, fulfilling change, clients need to examine who they believe they are within their challenges—and who they could become. Sustainable change happens when clients shift their identity, not just their behavior.

I experienced the power of expanding my self-concept early in my career. I tended to be the Warrior who instantly saw what needed to be fixed and then push people to fix it, or just did it myself. I was a small woman often in the company of big men, so I had to have a powerful voice to be heard. My aggressive approach worked, until it didn’t.

One day, when I was complaining to my boss about the leadership team not agreeing to do what was right, he said, “You don’t realize that you have made it. You are a recognized leader. You don’t have to fight for it anymore. Instead of forcing people to do what you want, can you inspire them to see what you see?” I said I would think about it.

While explaining what had transpired in my conversation with my boss to a friend, she asked me, “Who do you want to be now?” I said, “Just more of me. I have been an Inspirer. I like sharing visions of what is possible. I enjoy engaging everyone to talk about how we could make this happen. I just forgot.” Even now, I can still be a Warrior, but  now when I want to influence others, I more often wield an inspiring vision instead of a sword.

Identity is Hard Wired

In his 1927 novel, Steppenwolf, Hermann Hesse wrote about the difficulties and rewards of discovering the deeper, complex self. He wrote that even the most highly cultivated minds see the world and themselves through lenses of artless simplifications. “For it appears to be an inborn and imperative need of all men to regard the self as a unit.”¹ He goes on to say that we must break through the illusion of being only one self that feels certain and secure and perceive that the self is made up of a bundle of selves.² Yet even glimpsing this reality triggers resistance as the brain rushes to protect the delusion of “who I am.”

Psychologist Dan McAdams describes outdated goals, values, and self-perceptions as the “core planks of a life narrative” that offer false security.³ Because the brain favors self‑preservation over self‑actualization, people avoid looking beyond their surface descriptions. Their brains protect identity with rationalizations even when the narratives counteract their best interests or desires.

Coaching Identity Shifts

Most people need someone outside of themselves to override the protective brain and shepherd the process of personal transformation. Coaches can peel away the layers of beliefs, fears, guilt, and resentment to reveal possible selves that can be embraced. This is when coaching is most powerful.

To coach clients to explore deeper levels of themselves, integrate these steps into your conversation:

1. Coach slowly to ensure you see what they see when they describe their dilemma. Notice adjectives they use to describe themselves when telling their story. You might confirm their self-descriptions up front or wait until after you coach them to describe what they want to change or create that could resolve their challenge.
2. When you talk and agree on what it looks like to change their story – what they want to create or change – ask your client to define how they are showing up in this picture. Who can they be, such as the wise one, team advocate, inspiring leader, responsible guide, or a strong voice with much to share.
3. When looking at who they can become, ask them what they think and feel about this image. Listen and ask about their use of the words, but or should. Don’t let their fears interrupt their creativity.
4. Now go back to how they define themselves today. Share what they previously shared when telling their story or ask how they would define the person who is showing up today. If they name a role, ask them what adjective they would add to their label, such as newest, youngest, or most experienced. And how they feel, such as clueless, pressured, angry, excited, or scared.
5. With their envisioned self in mind, ask what they need to address or resolve to let go and step into who they can become. Are they afraid of judgement or rejection? Can they take small or large risks to try out the new identity they want to live into?
6. If they can’t start shifting today, can they determine when beginning to make this shift is possible?

Integrate these steps into your conversations to empower your clients to let go of the old version of themselves to evolve into another. The most significant and sustainable leaps in personal growth come from expanding our definition of self, our identity.

Sustaining an Evolving Identity

Change is an event; transformation is a process. It takes time and ongoing coaching support to fully embrace new identities.

Evelyn Underhill wrote in her book, Practical Mysticism, “Again and again, you swing back to it. This game which you have played so long had formed and conditioned you… You have become accustomed to the idea of what you want, or ought to want…”⁴ Awkwardness, fear of judgment, and uncertainty may halt growth. Left to their own devices, clients might seek the security of the old self and build up a defensive shell to explain why they can’t change.

This is why coaching contracts of six, nine, or 12 months are common. Coaching the person, not their problem over time can alter their reality enough to resolve problems for good, or to realize what they thought were problems are not issues after all.⁵

Transformation takes courage, curiosity, and compassion. With the right support, clients can loosen the grip of outdated identities and evolve into a more integrated, fulfilling sense of self.

References

1. Herman Hess, Steppenwolf, Holt Paperbacks, 2002. First published in German in 1927.
2. Marcia Reynolds, “Quit Looking for Your Authentic Self, “ 2011, https://covisioning.com/quit-looking-for-your-authentic-self/
3. Dan P. McAdams, The Stories We Live By: Personal Myths and the Making of the Self, The Guilford Press, 1997
4. Evan Underhill, Practical Mysticism, Minerva Publishing, 1914.
5. Marcia Reynolds, Coach the Person, Not the Problem 2^nd Edition, Berrett-Koehler Publishers,2026.