A great conversation only happens when your primary goal is to make a good connection.
You can achieve this dynamic even in professional conversations where there is an intention to get a specific result as long as you feel you are there for the person you are with, not for your own purposes.
I know, this is easy to write but not always easy to do. I’ve been practicing for decades to make each conversation I have a good one.
After doing a live coaching demonstration as a part of my keynote presentation at a conference, three people separately gave me the best feedback I have ever received. They said they felt as if they were eavesdropping on two friends talking about a situation that reached a satisfying destination in less than 20 minutes even though we didn’t know where we were headed when we set out.
They shared comments about noticing our interaction was at times, light and fun, and at other moments, there was deeper exploration that brought up a bit of sadness, fear, contemplation, and knowing awareness. We went back and forth in time, and in and out of topics, all within the context of what was holding her back from acting on the decision she knew she needed to make.
They all said they felt they went on a journey with us and laughed along at the end when the way forward that emerged seemed simple.
I did know what I wanted out of the coaching conversation, this wasn’t an informal interaction. I spent time up front with easy curiosity discovering how she was painting her dilemma and what she wanted a different picture to look like. I didn’t push her, just reflected what sounded important and asked simple questions for clarification of desires and difficulties. Once the desired destination unfolded, my years of experience have built my trust in knowing we will get there the more I forget I am doing “coaching.”
Even at the beginning, when I am listening for what is most important to my client and how this blends with or conflicts with what they want for themselves, I relax into a conversation-style that feels like we are two old friends.
Showing up for a great conversation
The key ingredient for any conversation to be a great one is unfaltering appreciative presence. I listen closely to the amazing humans who are giving me glimpses of their lives, loves, and fears. I am genuinely curious without a script or an agenda other than to unwrap what the person truly wants to change or create for themselves now or in the future. I allow the conversation to happen without muscling it toward any predetermined outcome because what they really want often changes as we walk on the path together.
The biology of presence
Melissa Kirsch, deputy editor of Culture and Lifestyle at The New York Times explained in a Morning Newsletter how connectedness that supports feelings of safety and trust is a “biological imperative” for stimulating the neurobiological foundation required for health, growth, and restoration.1
Kirsch explores the role the central nervous system plays when talking and listening. When the interaction is accepting and respectful, nervous systems can co-regulate, stimulating a “range of responses including calm, happy, meditative, engaged, attentive, active, interested, excited, passionate, alert, ready, relaxed, savoring, and joyful.” The magic happens in the space between two people, impacting how we feel.
Clinical psychologist Deb Dana wrote in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation, “Although as we mature from babies to adults, our brains override patterns of connection with patterns of protection but our autonomic nervous system never stops needing, and longing for, co-regulation.”2
Note: this experience of co-regulation will be difficult for AI to replicate any time soon!
Often observers of my coaching demonstrations say the client comes to me already open and trusting. I doubt they do, knowing they are being observed by many strangers. But the unflinching presence I have spent years developing creates the resonance of our two autonomic nervous systems. My heartfelt listening in the process of reflecting and asking about what I hear is important calms their brain’s quest for protection. The ebb and flow of giving and receiving looks easy even when emotions creep in.
I know what this feels like, yet I still need a lot of practice bringing this state of presence to my conversations outside of coaching. I believe this is my next stage of development, and maybe the theme I can give to the new decade I am approaching in my life.
Would you be willing to take on this challenge with me? If we can collectively activate autonomic nervous systems to be more engaged, savoring, and joyful, we will truly make a needed difference in the world. Let’s make each conversation a great one.
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1 Melissa Kirsch, deputy editor of Culture and Lifestyle at The New York Times, August 3, 2024 The Morning Newsletter
2 Deb Dana, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation, W. W. Norton & Company; 2018.
