A simple technique for being a better human
I am a master coach.
When I’m not coaching, I revert to being “only human.”
I have learned how to stay compassionately curious, to listen for key words and phrases my clients use so when I ask about them what these words mean to them, my inquiry elevates their self-awareness. I love to watch their transformation when these simple reflections prompt them to embrace new ways of seeing their situations and themselves, in less than 30 minutes.
Then I meet my friends for coffee and when they talk about their problems, I jump to telling them what to do.
I become an judgy commentator and advice dispenser even though I hate when people, and especially my friends and family, tell me what to do without my asking for it.
If I catch myself doing this and apologizing, I often get the response, “You’re only human.”
My research suggests why we humans feel the need to jump in to fix or help others before asking if they would like our ideas. Our brains like to quickly make meaning of what we see and hear. We just as quickly see solutions based on our past experiences.
Changing Embedded Habits – Is it Possible?
We tend to know exactly what someone needs to do before they finish talking even when we know they might reject our advice because we didn’t really listen.
The bottom line question is, “Can we stop doing this?”
For me (and maybe you)… I know I can stop giving advice as a coach, so why don’t I stop doing this to my friends and family?
Of course, most of us can override our brains and create new mental habits through repetitive practice if we want to.
The key question is, “Do you want to?” When conversations are informal, not as a part of your work, do you want to work this hard to change?
Before you answer the question with, “yes” know you have to ask this question for every role you hold. Changing this habit as a friend, a sister or brother, a parent, a neighbor, a gym mate, or a teacher requires different levels of energy and commitment. And each situation you step into may be different.
If you still want to do the work, try these two steps:
Step #1 – With each person you meet, stop, breathe, and ask yourself who you want to be. Developing your awareness of the emotions you feel and judgements you are making is always the first step to changing your behavior.
Step #2 – ask a question.
Returning the Ball
Before you give your opinion, ask a question. When someone describes a dilemma, ask them something about what they said. What are they most sad about or frustrated with? What were they hoping would happen but didn’t? What do they think led to their actions or inaction? What do they feel is out of their control?
If you are not sure what to ask, summarize their key points and ask them to “say more.”
It’s like playing volleyball. Instead of holding onto the ball when it’s served to you and telling the server what to do better, return the ball at least once. Be curious about something.
Start with at least one volley. Ask them to clarify what they mean or see. If you can keep the ball in play more than once, great. Regardless, ask if they want your ideas before giving your advice.
Then, when you slip and don’t remember to do this, laugh at yourself for being only human. But don’t use the excuse of your human limitations as an excuse to give up. Humans brains are flexible. Learning and growing is also a strength of being human.
Whether you are speaking with your kids, your best friend at work, your spouse or partner, or a group of buddies at happy hour, practice the volleyball technique. After someone speaks, come back with a quick summary, “So what you are saying is…” and then ask a curious question. Start with one volley, then add more as you awareness and new mental habits take shape.
Playing word volleyball doesn’t mean you are coaching them, you are just being more present and respectful.
Wouldn’t you like it if your friends did this for you?
