How Well Do You Handle Discomfort in Conversations?
When a person has a breakthrough in thinking, they often experience an emotional reaction. Do you jump in to make them feel better or withdraw in fear? How well you handle yourself in these moments will impact how effective you can be in the conversation. This assessment will help you assess your ability to manage yourself in a Discomfort Zone conversation.
You will be asked to respond to a variety of questions about different uncomfortable situations in performance or coaching conversations. Please do not skip any questions because it will affect your final score. Answer what you think is your typical response even though situations vary so your outcome and suggestions are relevant to you.
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How well do you receive what people offer when talking?
You will be asked to respond to a variety of questions about uncomfortable professional and personal conversations. Please do not skip any questions because it will affect your final score. Answer what you think is your typical response even though situations vary so your outcome and suggestions are relevant to you.
Because your brain is constantly working, you only catch bits and phrases of what people say but you understand what they are trying to convey.
You hear what they say, and remember the key points very well.
You hear their words and see, feel, and sense what is important and how they are feeling, including fears, desires, frustrations and disappointments.
You hear what they are saying and notice their expressions but hard to catch it all with the distraction of phones, emails, and other people wanting your time.
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You feel that expressing emotions at work is…
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Not good because people will use this moment against you in later situations.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsAlways considered a sign of weakness.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsA good way for everyone to understand motivations and needs, leading to better collaboration, productivity and relationships if listening with curiosity and care.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsUseful when the emotions are positive.
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How do you react when someone looks sad or cries?
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You let them know they can leave if they like until they can pull themselves together.
You feel they are manipulating you and wish they would stop.
You feel embarrassed and want to leave the room or at least find them a tissue.
You calmly waiting for them to signal they are ready to move on.
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How do you react when someone feels embarrassed or ashamed, or keeps saying they are sorry?
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You tell them your similar story of a time you, too, are embarrassed even now as you recall the situation so they don’t feel awkward and judged by you.
You share what you notice that indicates remorse, and then ask them how they are judging themselves. If appropriate, ask them what they might learn from the situation that will help them in the future.
You tell them it is silly to feel embarrassed. The past is the past. You might ask them how they can forgive themselves so they can move on.
You tell them they shouldn’t worry because everyone makes similar mistakes.
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How do you react when someone gets angry with you (verbally, not physically)?
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You ignore it! You don't want to fan the flames so you wait until you can change the subject.
You get angry back; you have a right to defend yourself. Or you threaten to end the conversation if they don’t stop being angry.
You stay calm. When their anger subsides, you ask what they need to resolve or deal with the sitution now. If they continue to be angry, you might ask for another meeting when they are ready to look at solutions with you.
You tell them not take things so personally.
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When someone is resistant to change or doesn’t seem to want to solve the problem, you…
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Try to understand what is keeping them from wanting to create something better for themselves. Based on the emotion they express, what are they are afraid will happen, what are they are angry about losing, or why do they feel disappointed or betrayed?
Assume they won't do anything differently unless you tell them what they need to do or punish them in some way if they don't change.
Tell them their fears are silly and they are are missing out on opportunities. They will regret their actions in the future.
Share how other people are accepting the change or solving the problem so they feel badly about themselves in comparison.
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You manage your overall stress levels by…
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Taking periodic vacations..
Working out every day.
Relaxing every night to let the worries of the day slip away.
Developing your self-awareness of how you feel during the day and choosing your emotional states before your emotions control you.
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When you disagree with a person’s point of view, you tend to…
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Do your best to convince people about what is right with research and examples.
Maintain harmony by agreeing with what they say.
Agree to disagree and end the conversation.
Ask with geniune curiosity, what has led them to their point of view. Respect, don't resist their answer. Ask if you can share why you think the way you do. If they don't want to hear it, accept their response and suggest you move on to another subject.
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When starting a difficult conversation, you most want people to…
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Know you are there to help them achieve a goal they desire, not just your own.
Put their emotions aside so they can look at the situation with logic.
Listen to you first, then you will hear them out.
Trust you know what is best for them to do because you have more experience.
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They are being disrespectful to you so they don't deserve your respect.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsThey have to earn your respect first.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsThey are being too emotional.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsYour judgments got in the way causing you to talk down to them. You look for a chance to apologize and start over.
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You are tired, hungry, or under pressure, so you have to take better care of yourself.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsSome people will always rub you the wrong way and you can't change this.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsYou know others aren't taking the situation seriously enough.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsYou have to let people know you are in control and they have to listen to you.
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When someone share a problem with you, you listen primarily…
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To your own logic as you analyze the problem and determine good solutions.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsTo get the details of the problem so you can direct them to the right solution.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsTo first discover what is making this a problem for the person, what they are afraid might happen if they try something or why they doubt they can solve the problem on their own.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsMake a list of pros and cons for the obvious actions that can take place.
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Listen to the story and ask them questions about what is confusing, frustrating, or worrisome.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsTell them not to worry, everything will turn out for the best.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsEncourage the person to find a solution instead of being stuck in their emotions.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsDon't listen to their story because it is a waste of time. Ask them what they can do about the problem now.
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How committed are you to learning the skills to have productive Discomfort Zone conversations?
Not committed; other people say you need to change but you think you are okay and they don't know how to handle your style.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsVery committed; you want to learn how you can make a difference with others.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsMildly committed; you have doubts that better listening skills will make a difference when people need answers and direction.
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Add RecommendationAdd TagsView All Assigned TagsGenerally committed; you reserve judgment until you have time to try out these ideas for yourself. They sound good on paper but may not work in the real world.
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YOU HAVE A HIGH RATE OF HANDLING DISCOMFORT WELL.
You have the right mental framework for holding a Discomfort Zone conversation. Keep doing what you can to keep your awareness up, for respecting people and allowing them to express how they are feeling knowing, and for taking care of your own stress so you can be present and fully listen to others. If you acquire a copy of The Discomfort Zone, you can skip chapter one to go directly to reading how you can prepare for the conversation, how to apply the model, and how to access your intuition using specific listening techniques. Of course, it never hurts to reaffirm your good practices if you want to start from the book’s beginning. We all experience moments where our reactions sabotage our best intent.
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YOU HAVE A MEDIUM RATE OF HANDING DISCOMFORT.
Some of your assumptions and beliefs about people and difficult conversations could get in the way of your success. If you are interested in turning your difficult conversations into breakthrough experiences, you will want to read chapters one and two of The Discomfort Zone completely. Some of the key points to consider include:
- The specific circumstances needed for this approach to be successful include a strong belief in the person’s potential to grow and see new possibilities; your willingness to listen deeply and explore the person’s perceptions and emotions as a means for moving forward, and a sense that helping people think more broadly for themselves is a way to help them grow instead of being dependent on you for answers.
- You need to hold a positive emotional intention throughout the conversation no matter what transpires. Be patient, be curious, and be open to learning.
- If people have a baseline of skills and knowledge, you can energize them by building on what they know instead of exhausting them with what you know. Remember that it is more important you activate thinking than to pacify it with information and instructions.
- People want you to be present more than they need you to be perfect. All humans want to feel heard and understood even if this makes you feel uncomfortable. If you stay the course in a Discomfort Zone conversation, you build trust and security, the essential ingredients needed for someone to feel safe enough to explore their thoughts and emotions with you. Without this, you may get incremental behavioral adjustments but not the breakthrough moments needed for long-lasting, evident change.
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YOU HAVE A LOW RATE OF HANDLING DISCOMFORT.
Thank you for honestly answering the questions; your score resembles the actions and feelings of many people in our noisy, busy, pressure-filled world. If you are interested in improving your score, consider these tips from The Discomfort Zone.
- Developing your ability to be grounded in the present moment and fully looking, hearing, and sensing what is going on around you will help you be more comfortable listening to people even when the conversation is awkward or unpleasant for you. Read about and listen to programs on how to increase your mindfulness and ability to be present. I recommend the work of Ekhart Tolle and Jon Kabat-Zinn.
- Re-examine what you feel is your purpose as a leader, coach, parent, or friend. Are you only focused on solving problems and successfully achieving goals? If so, you have left the human element out of the picture. Do you find value in developing people? Would you be interested in knowing their dreams, desires, and fears? If your answer is yes, then start visioning yourself as a person who cares about helping people recognize and achieve their greatest potential. I’m not saying you should never consider solving other people's problems, but developing people to be independent thinkers increases their confidence and desire to grpw.
- To build trust, the person you are speaking with must feel your intentions are in his or her best interest throughout the conversation. Your purpose is to reveal a greater self to the person, not fix his problems or make them into being someone they aren't. Can you remove your doubts in the person’s ability to grow? Can you accept the person’s style and values as okay even if they are different from your own? You cannot fall into judgment or impatience if you want to turn your uncomfortable conversations into developmental and important experiences.
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You avoid uncomfortable conversations, missing the opportunity for both your growth and theirs.
Uh oh! Do you want to learn how to better deal with uncomfortable conversations? 
We hope you came to this assessment to learn how to deal with uncomfortable conversations. There are many tips for you on this website. If you think you are stuck and can't move forward, you might seek a coach or therapist to work through your fears.
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